With the playoffs started and the Clippers’ offseason looming, Sky Shachory checks in with an amusing take on how this summer just might play out.
As Brian Skinner and his Los Angeles Clippers finished the twilight of their season with a spirited pursuit of 53 losses, we fans must come to grips with the fact that we have to endure a six month break from watching our favorite tall people run up and down 94 feet of super-shiny lacquered flooring. The offseason eagerly awaits us, and while we get to watch LeBron and Kobe sweat and shoot free-throws every other day for the next three months, we will soon be forced to wonder, “What is Chris Kaman doing right now besides from blowing stuff up and not calling back Carmen Electra?” Luckily for us, my Aunt Clara recently developed a time machine that allowed me to travel all the way to October, 2010, to see how all of our favorite Clippers spent their summer. Don’t worry — the Clippers get LeBron and John Wall. Without further ado, here’s the rundown:
Blake Griffin: There will be no sand dunes or Summer League MVP awards for young Mr. Griffin this offseason. Visions of Joel Pryzbilla screaming on his shower floor have the Clippers feeling very cautious about their prized young dunker. Blake will be kept in an anti-gravity vat of vitamins that was recently developed at the Clippers’ state of the art practice facility in Playa Vista. Blake will only be allowed to leave the vat once a week to be hosed down and quoted about the great progress he’s making and also to visit the local Subway restaurant for their spectacular deals on healthy, delicious submarine sandwiches.
Brian Skinner: BSkinnz will finally retire from the game that loves him and return to his childhood home in Temple, Texas. Sadly, he will encounter financial problems when he buys more bleach than he can afford in an effort to keep the bottom of his goatee as fresh as possible. When he was pulling in $800,000 a year, Brian could afford daily application of the organic Clorox with the touch of Downey. Without a regular check from Mr. Sterling, however, Brian will see his trademark chin-bling begin to fade to black. When he can’t take it anymore, he will make a triumphant return to the Clipper organization to reclaim his throne at the end of the bench and make the rookies buy him dinner.
Baron Davis: The Clippers franchise player will enjoy his usual busy summer, doing all the things a well-rounded young millionaire would do while John Lucas screams at him excitedly. Baron will read three books, write two, produce one of them into a movie, star in that movie, and come into training camp in the best shape of his life.
Eric Gordon: Eric Gordon will go back to his family’s home in Indiana to eat, sleep, poop, and play basketball. He will contact a teammate one time, replying “hey” to one of the thousands of text messages that DeAndre Jordan sends him calling him a hobbit.
DeAndre Jordan: Aside from sending Eric Gordon insulting text messages and tweeting about the escapades of Spongebob Squarepants, DeAndre will spend all summer in the gym working on his freethrows. He strives to shoot at least 39% from the line next year. He will also petition the league to allow Baron Davis to throw him “Alley-oop” free throws as he seems to be most effective off the lob. In the Las Vegas Summer League, DeAndre will average 12 points, 9 rebounds, 6 blocks, and 26 fouls per game.”
Chris Kaman: Everybody’s favorite All-Star will spend his summer doing what he does best: playing with Legos and hanging out with Beyonce. In spite of the fact that Chris chooses to have a platonic relationship with the R&B sensation, Jay-Z’s ever intensifying jealousy of Christopher will reach a critical point when she explains to him that he just “can’t relate to her like Christopher does.” Jay and Kaman will entertain the public with a brief yet passionate rap feud, which Christopher will win handily after dropping a verse about how awesome he is on Beyonce’s hit summer single “I’m in love with Chris Kaman.”
The Rest of the Team: Those other guys we hope make shots on occasion will all go on to sign with the Washington Wizards. Steve Blake, Mardy Collins, and Craig Smith find and marry the remaining single Kardashians.
While other teams waste their summer with playoff basketball games and parades, the Clippers will truly enjoy their long awaited vacation. Like sixth graders in late May, the Clip show and the all-knowing Brian Skinner can taste the amazing opportunities these sunny months have in store. The end of this basketball season may feel like a lingering, terrible, soul-torturing winter, but deep in the hearts of Clipper fans the summer is eternal, and the summer is where our team is at its finest. Get excited.