With the playoffs started and the Clippers’ offseason looming, Sky Shachory checks in with an amusing take on how this summer just might play out.
As Brian Skinner and his Los Angeles Clippers finished the twilight of their season with a spirited pursuit of 53 losses, we fans must come to grips with the fact that we have to endure a six month break from watching our favorite tall people run up and down 94 feet of super-shiny lacquered flooring. The offseason eagerly awaits us, and while we get to watch LeBron and Kobe sweat and shoot free-throws every other day for the next three months, we will soon be forced to wonder, “What is Chris Kaman doing right now besides from blowing stuff up and not calling back Carmen Electra?” Luckily for us, my Aunt Clara recently developed a time machine that allowed me to travel all the way to October, 2010, to see how all of our favorite Clippers spent their summer. Don’t worry — the Clippers get LeBron and John Wall. Without further ado, here’s the rundown:
Blake Griffin: There will be no sand dunes or Summer League MVP awards for young Mr. Griffin this offseason. Visions of Joel Pryzbilla screaming on his shower floor have the Clippers feeling very cautious about their prized young dunker. Blake will be kept in an anti-gravity vat of vitamins that was recently developed at the Clippers’ state of the art practice facility in Playa Vista. Blake will only be allowed to leave the vat once a week to be hosed down and quoted about the great progress he’s making and also to visit the local Subway restaurant for their spectacular deals on healthy, delicious submarine sandwiches.
Brian Skinner: BSkinnz will finally retire from the game that loves him and return to his childhood home in Temple, Texas. Sadly, he will encounter financial problems when he buys more bleach than he can afford in an effort to keep the bottom of his goatee as fresh as possible. When he was pulling in $800,000 a year, Brian could afford daily application of the organic Clorox with the touch of Downey. Without a regular check from Mr. Sterling, however, Brian will see his trademark chin-bling begin to fade to black. When he can’t take it anymore, he will make a triumphant return to the Clipper organization to reclaim his throne at the end of the bench and make the rookies buy him dinner.
Baron Davis: The Clippers franchise player will enjoy his usual busy summer, doing all the things a well-rounded young millionaire would do while John Lucas screams at him excitedly. Baron will read three books, write two, produce one of them into a movie, star in that movie, and come into training camp in the best shape of his life.
Eric Gordon: Eric Gordon will go back to his family’s home in Indiana to eat, sleep, poop, and play basketball. He will contact a teammate one time, replying “hey” to one of the thousands of text messages that DeAndre Jordan sends him calling him a hobbit.
DeAndre Jordan: Aside from sending Eric Gordon insulting text messages and tweeting about the escapades of Spongebob Squarepants, DeAndre will spend all summer in the gym working on his freethrows. He strives to shoot at least 39% from the line next year. He will also petition the league to allow Baron Davis to throw him “Alley-oop” free throws as he seems to be most effective off the lob. In the Las Vegas Summer League, DeAndre will average 12 points, 9 rebounds, 6 blocks, and 26 fouls per game.”
Chris Kaman: Everybody’s favorite All-Star will spend his summer doing what he does best: playing with Legos and hanging out with Beyonce. In spite of the fact that Chris chooses to have a platonic relationship with the R&B sensation, Jay-Z’s ever intensifying jealousy of Christopher will reach a critical point when she explains to him that he just “can’t relate to her like Christopher does.” Jay and Kaman will entertain the public with a brief yet passionate rap feud, which Christopher will win handily after dropping a verse about how awesome he is on Beyonce’s hit summer single “I’m in love with Chris Kaman.”
The Rest of the Team: Those other guys we hope make shots on occasion will all go on to sign with the Washington Wizards. Steve Blake, Mardy Collins, and Craig Smith find and marry the remaining single Kardashians.
While other teams waste their summer with playoff basketball games and parades, the Clippers will truly enjoy their long awaited vacation. Like sixth graders in late May, the Clip show and the all-knowing Brian Skinner can taste the amazing opportunities these sunny months have in store. The end of this basketball season may feel like a lingering, terrible, soul-torturing winter, but deep in the hearts of Clipper fans the summer is eternal, and the summer is where our team is at its finest. Get excited.
22 Responses
MIKE SMITH. Mike and his beautiful wife will welcome 4 more children into the world. Three of these adorable tykes will learn how to stand on each others shoulders while wearing one of dad’s trench coats in order to buy a bus ticket out of town as to avoid anymore of pop’s stories about the time he backed up Larry Bird.
RALPH LAWLER. Ralph’s career takes a harrowing turn when it’s discovered that he’s actually Jerry Buss’s father and has been secretly poisoning the Clipper players for nearly 3 decades by coating his knuckles with a powerful brain draining toxin that he delivers with a casual fist bump before each tip off.
CLIPPER DARRELL. Darrell will get the surprise of a lifetime when he’s signed to be the Clipper’s new head coach. Things will become sticky around mid season when fan’s begin to revolt against his controversial strategy of gathering the players around him during every time out and screaming in their faces, “HERE WE CLIPPERS, HERE WE GO!”
D.J. FOSTER. D.J. will continue to write his fantastic Clipper blog until finally getting the break he’s been waiting for when Russian comic Yakov Smirnoff hires him to punch up his nightly routine in Branson, Missouri. Things take an ugly turn when Foster is abducted during a writing session and sold for 100 dollars to the operator of a Ukranian sex circus.
Have a great summer everybody!
D.J. Foster Reply:
April 19th, 2010 at 2:30 pm
Hah! My summer sounds promising.
jfrmL.A Reply:
April 19th, 2010 at 11:17 pm
HAHAHAHA! Hilarious! Why isn’t this guy writing the blog? No offense D.J, bu this guy is good!
Posted on April 19th, 2010 at 10:18 am
HOBIT! LOL
Posted on April 19th, 2010 at 10:46 am
Random Humor FTW!
Posted on April 19th, 2010 at 10:49 am
What a great Monday read!!!
The hobbit comment did it for me…..that’s hilarious! We all need a little humor after a 53-loss season…sigh…
Posted on April 19th, 2010 at 10:57 am
Good D.J. The best of April.
Since Jay-Z’s, is a Nets part owner, is there a possibility that Kaman could be traded there. It might be a long summer for Gordon…. Davis is one of the luckiest man in the land, He is a rich man living in LA. He has a full time job in Hollywood as a producer and plays BB with the NBA guys the whole winter.
The Clippers fans are also lucky no to have another Hollywood producer in the roster who is doing wonders in Philadelphia.
D.J. Foster Reply:
April 19th, 2010 at 2:31 pm
Just for the record, this was written by our newest contributor Sky Shachory.
Posted on April 19th, 2010 at 12:54 pm
I’d love Sky’s thoughts on what Michael Olawakandi, Corey Maggette, Elton Brand and Sam Cassell are up to over the summer.
Nice read though.
Josh Reply:
April 21st, 2010 at 1:48 pm
Latidada, latiada, latidaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. (I know, day late).
Posted on April 19th, 2010 at 1:42 pm
You guys are right, that Hobbit thing is hilarious! I mean, he’s short and so the guy calls him a Hobbit! Like the little guys in Lord Of The Rings. You know, the guy dressed all in white that wanted to get busy with Branden Fraser in that other movie. Huh? Wait, my homie just said that was Gandolf. Well, whoever it is, the Hobbit thing is f’n hilarious!
Posted on April 19th, 2010 at 1:58 pm
Well done, Sky.
Posted on April 19th, 2010 at 2:23 pm
Mike Dunleavy: Somehow manages to become the new head coach of the New Jersey Nets, where he manages to win them their next NBA Championship title.
Posted on April 19th, 2010 at 2:52 pm
Steve Blake is married, I don’t think he’d cheat on his wife, lol.
Posted on April 19th, 2010 at 6:59 pm
i feel like lamar odom marrying the fat khardashian sums up his career right? he could have had so much and been so good but he settled for less (the fat kardashian)
Posted on April 20th, 2010 at 12:53 am
steve novak will learn to play inside the 3 point line… NOT!
Posted on April 20th, 2010 at 12:55 am
Loved it, but honestly I think that the time machine may have underestimated Baron Davis. Just sayin’.
Posted on April 20th, 2010 at 7:12 am
This is the most entertaining thing I’ve read on here in a long time, maybe ever. Keep it comin Sky.
Posted on April 20th, 2010 at 7:19 am
Craig Smith was great this season and even though he was undersized I remember more than several occasions where we needed a bucket and he would give us one….
i really really hope we can resign him somehow…but its unlikely given the time the guy can probably score 20 a game…..
Posted on April 20th, 2010 at 4:40 pm
Donald Sterling-
The Donald will spend his summer continuing his 20-plus-year quest to have the Clippers relegated to the D-League. Donald figures that his history of racism and frugality is not enough to keep talent away from his franchise, so he decided to breach the contract of the former GM and Coach in order to send an unequivocal message to “Stay Away!”.
Clipper Fans-
Will lament that they spent money on Clipper tickets that could have been spent on a hose to hook up to their tailpipe, because Carbon Monoxide poisoning is preferable to having to watch Baron Davis steal money and mail in another season.
Posted on April 21st, 2010 at 1:45 pm
This is some great stuff! chriskamanswagger.blogspot.com has some of sky’s other pulitzer prize winners.
Posted on April 22nd, 2010 at 1:04 am
Pure gold Sky. Pure gold.
Posted on April 24th, 2010 at 11:53 pm
Trackbacks