Now that the dust has settled on the 2013 Clippers season, those of us at Clipperblog have a lot less to do. The upshot of that is we have a lot more time to focus on our hobbies—like, say, trolling message boards for titillating material. Look, sports is basically low-level voyeurism, but it pales in comparison to capital V voyeurism.
In the course of scouring the internet for signs of humanity’s beating pulse, I discovered a series of one-sided communiqués that appear to have been sent in the direction of the Clippers team. It’s as though Greatness itself (herself?) were personified, demanding to know why — WHY — had the Clippers passed her by?
So in the spirit of total insanity, here are five Craigslist-style missed connections between the Clippers and Greatness.
CB > SF BAY AREA > EAST BAY > PERSONALS > MISSED OPPORTUNITIES
“I Thought You Were Cool with Long Distance” g4t aka greatness for team (Oracle)
I thought you were cool with the long distance thing, but I guess you were a little too cool with it. That’s the only explanation I can think of for you letting Steph and Klay go haywire from deep. We had all the momentum in the world, 17-straight games and a chance to start the New Year off right in Oakland, but you totally ignored me. You could have had the best record in the league with a win that night, but instead you tucked tail and lost four straight, never again in the conversation for best in the West.
CB > TORONTO > CITY OF TORONTO > ALL PERSONALS > MISSED OPPORTUNITIES
“Dejected in White Vegas” g4t (Air Canada Centre)
It was like you weren’t even there. But you were. I saw you. All mopey and over-confident. You needed a win so badly — to get your Grammy trip off to a good start while Chris Paul was injured — but you punted, unable to muster more than 45 points in the first three quarters. Don’t think I didn’t see what happened the following nights in Boston and D.C. … I bet you wish what happened in White Vegas would have stayed in White Vegas.
CB > SAN ANTONIO > PERSONALS > MISSED OPPORTUNITIES
“Remember the Alamodome?” g4t (AT&T Center)
You were looking so hot after four straight wins before the All Star break. I thought maybe … I dunno. OKC had just dropped three straight, so a win against the Spurs would have been a statement that you were ready to contend out West. But you were a mess in Texas. What happened? Now the guys on TV are saying Parker is better than Paul, just days after CP3 took MVP of the All-Star game. I know it’s a meaningless game, but it meant something to me. And at the risk of scaring you off entirely by referring to myself in the third person, I have to know: Why are you afraid of Greatness?
CB > USA > ALL REGIONS > PERSONALS > MISSED OPPORTUNITIES
“Where Did You Go?” g4t (Everywhere, March)
We haven’t seen each other lately. I guess I was wrong about you. Those nights in December feel like a lifetime ago. If only there were a way to collapse the distance between then and now, but there’s not. Everywhere you go it’s the same: Oklahoma, Denver, Memphis, San Antonio, Houston — even Sacramento and Dallas — every one of those cities is a plot on the map of my broken heart. Find your way back. Please.
CB > TEN > MEM > PERSONALS > MISSED OPPORTUNITIES
“When You Needed Me Most” g4t (Grind House)
So we were never exclusive, mostly you never let go of your hang-ups to make a commitment. Maybe you thought my heart was still in Oklahoma, but come on! It was going to work with me and the Thunder. I might have even loved them, but I wasn’t in love with them. And I know this makes me shallow but with Russ out, it was never going to happen. How could you not see that?! How could you just let me pass you by? Oh, those lonely nights in Memphis. I was right there — RIGHT THERE — waiting for you, but you ignored me. I even followed you back home to LA. I’ll admit it, it’s creepy, but the chance was yours. Right now OKC is relying on Derek Fisher (AS A PLAYER) for crying out loud. You had a clear path to the Western Conference finals, but you drove home alone. I hope one day you’ll come back for me, but know that you might never have a shot at Greatness like this again.